Loveless!

I have been feeling ‘emotionless’ lately. And by ‘emotionless’ I mean ‘loveless’. That is the only emotion worth having anyways. And when this emotion is gone, everything is gone. I feel so empty. There was a time when I was in love all the time. Not necessarily with a man. I was in love with everything life had to offer. I was in love with life itself. But now, there is a void, an abyss, in which I am slowly but steadily sinking.

I miss the feel of butterflies in my stomach, I miss the goose bumps, I miss the miss of my heartbeat and I miss being alive. I want to be hugged and loved. I want to feel needed. I want to feel cherished. I want to feel important for someone. I just want to love and be loved. 

So good were the years when I was young and careless. When life’s adversities did not touch me. The hardships were there, but I was still hopeful. I was still waiting. Since a very young age, I was in love with love. I knew, and knew for sure, that there was a someone special made for me. Someone who I was born for. My soulmate. My partner in life and hopefully in death and thereafter too.

I was waiting and I was hopeful and THAT kept me alive. Ever since that wait has ended, ever since that hope has vanished, I feel dead. Everything that kept me going, is now gone. How am I to live the rest of my life? How am I to survive?

I have had many relationships. I have been in love with many men. And my love for each of these men has been true and deep, from the time it started until the time it lasted. And with each ending relationship, a part of me died. 

There was a time when my eyes fell upon the beauty of nature and my heart rejoiced at the sight. Like a little child, I wondered at the slightest of nature’s sights and sounds. The happiness that I used to feel in those moments is indescribable. Where is that little child in me gone?

Every person I meet these days is looking for love. People who have been married for years, people in relationships and people in love are looking for love. What is it exactly that all these people are looking for? Why are we humans a dissatisfied lot? Why does the grass seem green on the other side all the time?

Is it not strange that the entire world wants to love and be loved and yet each one of us feels deprived? It is like living in the midst of an ocean and yet dying of thirst!